Scars
by iced-wine
Summary: Even though you were willing, even though it was what you wanted, I could never forgive myself, because the spell that took away your eyes was meant for me. A look into the lives of Ritsuka and Soubi, who was left blind after their last battle with Seimei
1. Disclaimer, etc

**Warning:** Explicit yaoi/shonen-ai content. Mild sexual references/descriptions. Mild reference to statutory rape.

**Disclaimer:** Loveless and all of its characters are completely the work and property of Yun Kouga.

**Credit:** This story is inspired by Tsuki no Tennyo's Sightless and Shimegami-chan's Sightless Eyes, Soulful Eyes.


	2. Dream

"Ahh…My head hurts!" I moaned as I rested my forehead against the cool top of the coffee table. Why didn't I just take regular physics like Yuiko…?

"Is it very hard, your homework?"

I looked up and saw his figure ambling toward me with confident steps, a cup of steaming tea in his hand.

I mumbled an incoherent reply of agreement, glancing briefly back at the textbook before returning my gaze to him.

"Well, what is it? Maybe I could help." He suggested with a smile, coming to a halt just before the coffee table, lowered himself gracefully to a spot on the floor, and placed the tea noiselessly on the table before turning to me. All done without the slightest hesitation.

I really can't figure it out sometimes, how he does everything so naturally, as though nothing was different. I don't understand how he could be so sure of himself, reaching out to touch the world around him without fear of being touched with hostility in return.

"Well?" He coaxed when I didn't answer his question.

I was doing that thing again, being silent.

"You know anything about torques?" I asked doubtfully, cocking an eyebrow. Twenty-thousand yen that he doesn't even know what torque was.

"Torques? What's that?" His face blanched for a moment in curious concentration as he ransacked his brain for the term.

Figured.

I let out a sigh and glanced despairingly back at the meaningless diagrams in the textbook, which were starting to blur from having been stared at for too long. "Never mind." I breathed and closed my eyes, laying my head on the smooth pages. If I'm in a close enough physical proximity with the information maybe I could learn by osmosis…

Maybe I should call Yayoi; he seemed like he had a clear understanding of what went on in class. Well, at least he was _awake_ in class…

I scowled at the thought. It's not entirely my fault that I couldn't stay up the first two periods; after all, I hardly get any sleep at night. It's not like Yayoi has somebody keeping him up doing ear-ridding stuff all night…that I know of.

Well, Yuiko's ears have been suspiciously still for the past few weeks, almost like they were fake…

But that's beside the point!

I popped off the table and glared at Soubi, who was sitting contently on the floor, his head cocked slightly as he listened to my movements. He knew I was glaring at him.

"Yes, Ritsuka?"

"N-Nothing." I mumbled and shifted my eyes quickly, feeling an unavoidable blush creeping to my cheeks at the remembrance of the reason that I was unable to stay awake during class.

That reason was currently sitting beside me, smiling.

"Don't push yourself too hard. I don't want you to tire yourself out too much." He advised innocuously.

I smirked. As if his concerns were so innocent! It'd just be terrible if I _pushed myself too hard _and fell asleep while he's _pushing_ _hard_ into…

A deep blush exploded across my face and I quickly stopped myself from completing that thought. I stole a glance at him; his expression was as serene as ever. Either he had sensed none of my internal agonies, or, if he had, chose to show no sign of having sensed them. I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God he couldn't see…

My mind sobered immediately upon that thought, and a familiar cold spread to my fingertips. Whatever drowsy laziness I had been feeling was gone, replaced by the sharp prick of some nameless remorse that I could never precisely identify. I turned sharply to the textbook, suddenly alert and eager to escape the mist of numbing chill emanating in my mind.

"Ritsuka?" Having sensed the sudden change in my mood, he called out worriedly, the smile vanishing instantly from his countenance, and, reaching out, laid his hand on mine, which was cold. "Are you alright? Your hands are freezing cold."

I flinched at his touch but refrained from pulling away. Having felt this, the troubled expression on his face intensified. "Ritsuka?"

"I-I'm fine." I stuttered and averted my gaze, being unable and without courage to look at him. "It's late. I better go wash up."

With that I shut the textbook with a loud thud and rose from the table, leaving behind a perplexed Soubi as I made my escape quickly into the bathroom. I knew without having to look back that his expression right now was one of veiled hurt and incomprehension.

I closed the bathroom door quietly, and, with my hand still on the knob, leaned against the door and closed my eyes. An exhausted sigh escaped soundlessly from my lips. A slight tremor passed through me, carrying with it that same, subtle but effective chill. My heart was beating so fast, I could feel it throbbing against my chest. I had felt this a thousand times before, this opaque and enigmatic…regret.

I took an extra long time in the bathroom, intentionally slugging through the routines as slowly as possible in hope that when I was finally done he'd already be asleep.

I think I brushed my teeth so long that I had sanded them down to the nerves.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed when I came out, his head slightly bowed and his hands dangled carelessly on his knees, waiting for me. I suppressed a grimace with effort and walked toward the bed, my feet dragging a little on the floor. He looked up at the sound of my approach, strands of his silver hair slipping over his shoulder with the motion. "Ritsuka—"

"Let's go to bed. It's late." I cut him off quickly and climbed on the bed, pulling the covers resolutely over myself.

He sighed, knowing that it would pointless to pursue the conversation with me right now. Within a moment I felt him drawing me to him, his arm draped protectively over my waist.

"Goodnight, Ritsuka." He whispered, his breath tickling my ear.

With my eyes wide open I lay motionlessly in his arms, my back pressed warmly against his chest, yet his embrace was devoid of its usual calming effect; on the contrary, the feeling of him so close to me, so content and without reproach, agitated me. That nameless regret, which had been tempered by the silence and solitude of the bathroom, began gnawing at me again.

_Who are you? You're not Ritsuka! Where did Ritsuka go?_

_This is my sin, because I'm the only one who can be Ritsuka, but I'm the only one who doesn't know Ritsuka, and for this I deserve to be punished. _

_I'll tell you my real name. I'll tell you only. Beloved_

_When you became Loveless, Ritsuka was erased._

_Erased? _

_Love, absolutely destructive, incise, like the shattered fragments of a broken heart, he who is without love._

_Loveless, he who is without love. The spell was meant to kill me, only me. So why is it that Soubi is bleeding, when the restriction should've been mine? _

_I love you, Ritsuka._

My eyes snapped open. I couldn't move; my heart was thundering so fast in my chest that it hurt. My vision was blurred, I blinked and felt a large drop of something warm slide down my cheeks.

"It's okay, Ritsuka. Everything's okay." Only now did I hear his soothing voice whispering softly in my ear amid the deafening roar of my heart.

I tried to speak but succeeded in nothing but a whimper. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his well-muscled torso, my tear-stained face pressed against the soft fabric of his shirt.

"Shhh, go back to sleep, Ritsuka. You are tired."

I know it's a spell, but my eyelids grew irresistibly heavy again.


	3. Trance

"Wow, you look really tired, Ritsuka-kun. Have you not been sleeping well?" Yuiko asked as I sat down with my lunch tray in an empty desk in front of her.

"Hah…tired or not, he was actually awake today, for _all_ of our classes. I thought I was going to die of shock." Yayoi cut in before I could answer.

I sighed, my head bowed slightly as I poked at the plate of beef potato stew with disinterest. I couldn't sleep in class today, even though my head was throbbing from weeks' worth of sleep deprivation, because I couldn't stop thinking about that dream.

I didn't say anything about last night when I woke up this morning, and Soubi didn't mention it either, but I could see it in his face; he's worried about me.

Things haven't changed that much since the last battle. Well, we live together now, but I practically lived with him before, returning to my house at night only as a gesture of decorum. I haven't _lived_ in my own house for years.

He was the same as ever, loving and gentle. Only, he can't paint anymore, after that battle, but he said he doesn't really mind, because he can finally stop painting butterflies.

"Did you get into a fight with Soubi-san?" Yuiko's question snapped me out of my reverie. I focused my eyes on her.

"No. Why?" I retorted.

"It's just…you are always quiet when you are in a fight with Soubi-san." She replied.

Sometimes the sharpness of Yuiko's perception surprises me. Or maybe my exasperation was just that obvious

"No, he's just on his way of becoming a vegetable from losing too many brain cells due to lack of sleep." Yayoi chirped in. I think he has being hanging around Kio too much; the mildly hostile sarcasm was definitely rubbing off on Yayoi.

"Yayoi-kun, that's not nice!" Yuiko chided.

"But Yuiko-san…"

_It's because you let him fight alone that he's always getting injured. _

_If you die here, the real Ritsuka will wake up._

If I had chosen differently in that dream, if I had let the real Ritsuka wake up, or if I had taken the damage during that last battle, like a sacrifice was supposed to do, Soubi would probably still be able to see now.

_How is he?_

_Sleeping now._

_Shouldn't we bring him to the hospital, or something?_

_For what? His injuries are all taken care of. If we bring him to a hospital the doctors would only ask annoying questions._

_But that cut on his temple…_

_Yeah, that one's pretty bad. It probably won't heal._

_What do you mean…it won't heal?_

_It's going to leave a scar, and he probably won't be able to see again._

_W-What do you mean, he's not going to be able to see again?_

_Exactly what I said. A spell that strong was meant to kill. He's lucky he didn't die._

_But…_

_Why do you think he had to interfere? That spell would've killed you, easily. It's because you are not strong enough that your fighter has to take the damage for you._

I think I know why Yoji was always so annoyed with me. We were both Sacrifices, so it irritates him when I can't protect my Fighter the way a Sacrifice was supposed to. I wasn't strong enough, in any sense, and Soubi suffered for it.

"Ritsuka-kun, class has been dismissed already." Yuiko informed cautiously, her large almond eyes studying me worriedly. "Are you sure you are okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine." I mumbled a hurried reply. Maybe I really was losing too many brain cells. The sky outside the cram school window was already dark. I don't even remember how I got from school to cram school.

I trailed slightly behind Yuiko and Yayoi when we shuffled out amid the crowd toward the exit, absorbed in my efforts to recollect what exactly happened between lunch and now.

"Ritsuka-kun! Isn't that Soubi-san? Is he here to pick you up?" Yuiko asked excitedly, shaking my arm while she pointed somewhere to our left.

I cocked an eyebrow and followed her finger.

What the…?

"Soubi-san! I haven't seen you in so long! How are you? Are you here to pick up Ritsuka?" Yuiko started gibbering as soon as we were in earshot.

He beamed at her, keeping up a pleasant conversation and making polite inquiries about her family and school work. I could never figure out why he liked Yuiko so much, like they had a bond or something.

Yayoi, who obvious picked up on this abnormal...closeness, was glaring daggers at Soubi.

Definitely should look into that non-moving ears business…

"Uhh…I'll see you guys tomorrow…" I interrupted their enthusiastic conversation, before Yayoi could act on his probably murderous intent, and started dragging Soubi away as I waved goodbye to Yuiko and Yayoi.

"So, what are you doing here?" I demanded as soon as we turned the corner, my tone harsher than I intended.

"Picking you up." He replied with a smile.

"I'm not a kid anymore, I don't need to be picked up." I barked with irritation, but he seemed not to have been affected.

The smile on his face never faltered. "But you are still my Ritsuka."

I blushed and could not find anything with which to retort.

How did he manage to find my cram school anyway? He's never been there. Well, I suppose he could always take taxi…

It was agreed upon a year ago, when he became blind, that he should curb the habit of picking me up from school. Before he did it because that way he could spend more time with me, and protect me should the need rise to the occasion, but since I moved in with him, there was no point. I told him having him pick me up made me look like a little kid and that pissed me off. I didn't tell him that I was worried the daily trip would be too difficult and too exhausting for his present…condition.

I just don't want him to be hurt again because of me. I think that would kill me better than anything else.

We walked in silence, my hand interlaced in his slender fingers, guiding him, although his steps would've been just as certain without me here. There was no longer that drastic height difference now. Just like he had promised Yuiko once, I grew tall, just like Seimei, albeit not as tall, and every time we kissed he stilled had to lean down slightly.

"How was school?" He asked gently, his voice penetrating the depth of my trance and dispelled the hazy fog of thoughts like a gentle breeze of spring.

"Fine." I murmured. "I've been kind of dazed out the whole day."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Probably because I don't get enough sleep."

I lied and he knew it.

"Is it because you had that dream last night?" The tone of his voice never changed, even though he knew he was treading in dangerous waters.

I halted my steps at the mention of the dream, but resumed walking a moment later.

"You are in one of your moods again." He said, although his voice held no reproach. "Why don't you tell me what you are thinking?"

I turned my face to the side and stared hard at the cement curb of the road.

"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you?"

You, you are bothering me! You are bothering me because you don't blame me for the things that I should be blamed, because not only do you suffer, you like to suffer a lone, because you won't ask for my help when you obviously need it, because you had to act on your selfless instincts and protect me. And you know who else is bothering me? Me. I'm bothering me, because I couldn't be as strong as Seimei, because I couldn't be the Sacrifice that you deserved, because I should've been the one to receive the attack that took away your sight.

"Nothing. Nothing's bothering me." I growled, my body tense from the anger and frustration I was trying to suppress.

"Really?" He asked softly.

"Really!" I barked back, my irritation mounting to such extremes that I was afraid something regretful might pour from my mouth accidentally if I didn't shut up now.

Of course he knew that was a lie. He knew that in the same way he knew everything else about me, including the fact that pursuing the current conversation would be next to fruitless.

"Well, tomorrow's the weekend, that should lighten things up." He conceded quietly, a touch of resignation in his voice.


	4. Tears

I stared at his figure as he maneuvered gracefully around the kitchen, his fingers feeling lightly but confidently across the countertops for some required object or another.

Then I remembered that Soubi had not always been this way, much as he would have liked the alternative. In the beginning he was lost and helpless, although he tried with desperate efforts to pretend otherwise. It was this intrinsic need for him, to never show me anything but the strong, complacent, and proficient Fighter. He wore many facades during those first months, of ease, of composure, of all the things he had lost along with his eyes, and tried to pretend everything was fine so that he could hide away the wounds, tangible and intangible. It was like that time, after he fought with Yoji and Natsuo, when he hid his punctured hand behind his back so I would not see the weakness that it did or did not imply. He would've tried to hide this one too, save for the annoying little fact that I was there when he received it.

But I saw through his pretenses, and beneath that mask of benevolent lies was a shame so blatant and overpowering that to bear it was to be suffocated by it. He bore it, quietly and without complaint, and I went along with his charade, because I knew that to say anything was to tear from him the last shred of strength he had.

In those days he was uncertain about everything: location of the stairs, color of his shirt, time of the day, and…me. He was afraid I would leave him. He wouldn't say it, but I knew. I knew from the way he would sit in silence with me, or draw me into his arms only to push me away a moment later.

It was infuriating.

There were a few occasions where the question was just on the tip of his tongue, but he always bit back the words. I think he couldn't ask because he was afraid I would abandon him.

A month later, I gave my reply calmly in five simple words:

"I'm moving in this weekend."

Getting used to doing all the things he used to do without his eyes was difficult for him, especially with me there to watch his every move. It was heartbreaking, to see him try so painstakingly to make everything seem natural.

And no mater what, he never asked me for help.

Which was, once again, infuriating.

It could be interpreted as distrust, on some levels.

"Dinner's ready, Ritsuka."

I snapped out of my reverie at the sound of his voice, and propped myself off the counter. He set two plates down on the table and waited. I sauntered over, trudging my feet on the wooden floor, and as I looked at him now, I suddenly wished I hadn't yelled at him on the way home. I was being ridiculous. I couldn't handle things, again.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out with my head slightly bowed. "that I yelled at you earlier. I shouldn't have. It was nice of you to pick me up, and I just…lost it….for no reason."

He laid his hand over mine, but the feeling of his touch only intensified my guilt. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the desire to cry.

"It's okay, Ritsuka. It's fine, really. I don't—"

"No! It's not fine!" I sniffled and wiped the falling tear with the back of my hand. "God damn it Soubi! It's not fine!" I stood up abruptly, making the legs of the chair screech against the floor, and backed away from the table. "Why is everything always fine with you? Why don't you tell me that you hate me?"

I backed against the dividing wall and could not refrain from letting out a sob. I'm pathetic now, it's disgusting, but I can't stop it.

He stood from the table, and slowly walked toward me, the sound of my periodic sniffles guiding him. "I don't hate you, Ritsuka. I could never." He whispered gently.

"You know it's my fault. You know it. If I had…if I was strong enough, you wouldn't…" I buried my face in my hands and could not look at him.

"Ritsuka…I don't—" I felt his arms around me.

"Why don't you blame me for it? Why don't you…it's driving me crazy. I couldn't take it, so you had to, it's my fault. It's all my fault. So let me take responsibility for the things I failed!"

I tried to break out of his grasp, but he held me firmly, like the first time we met, when he caught my arm as I was running out of the school gate.

I knew now, just like I have always known unconsciously, that the feeling I felt when I hid myself in the bathroom, so exasperating and enigmatic, was guilt.

"No listen to me, Ritsuka. Listen to me!" He paused. "What I did, wasn't noble or heroic, it was selfish, purely selfish."

Shameless liar! He really would say anything to—

"I took the spell, because if I didn't, it would've killed you. You are my law, Ritsuka, you are the only thing I live for. I can't exist in a world without you. So I did what I did only to save myself." He persisted to explain above my whimpering cries, my thrashing arms.

I stopped struggling and stilled.

_You are my law, Ritsuka…_

Those words, uttered to me once before during the fight with Sleepless and disproved countless time thereafter when he disobeyed me to fight alone.

"Ritsuka?" He called worriedly as he reached up and touched my face. "Please, say something!"

I looked at him, and lifted my arm slowly, pausing to gently brush away the strands of hair obscuring, what was, the most fatal proof of my sin, and softly, almost fearfully, trailed my finger along the crescent scar on his left temple.

He shuttered beneath my touch, a small gasp escaping from a constricted throat, but he didn't pull away.

I leaned into him, my movements slow, until I leveled with his temple, then, ever so lightly, I brushed my lips across the scar.

He moaned.

I let my head rest on his shoulder, buried in his perfumed hair, so that the overpowering scent of lavender surrounded and suffocated me.

I cried, for the first time since that battle. The citadel, which had held my emotions so firmly in check during the times Soubi needed me to be strong, crumbled like dust.

It was like I was twelve again, even though I don't think I ever cried in front of him when I was that age. He patted me gently, and trailed circles on my back, holding me together the way my sanity could not.

"I feel so pathetic, Soubi. I've failed everyone, you, mother, even…Seimei. I couldn't be the person they needed me to be, and I certainly couldn't be the person you needed me to be."

He sighed, the resignation and pain in that single sound heartbreaking against my ear. Then, suddenly, he scooped me into his arms and strode, with certain and resolute steps, toward the bedroom.

I gasped. "Ahh…S-Soubi! What are you doing?"

"Showing you…exactly what I think of you." He replied, voice husky and low.

He dropped me on the bed a bit more roughly than normal, the series of motions performed with his characteristic smoothness that always made me doubt whether he was really blind at all.

"Soubi…"

He mounted on top of me, his weight pressing down on my stomach, and laid his hands gently on my face. His fingers began trailing along my forehead, down my temple to my cheeks, my nose, my mouth, where he lingered, brushing repeatedly across my lips, and finally, up to my eyes again, where, guided by his fingers, he bent down and feathered countless kiss on my closed eyelids.

I moaned beneath him.

"I can't see anymore, Ritsuka…" He breathed against the nape of my neck.

My body stiffened at his words. The haze that was beginning to take hold of me cleared abruptly again, leaving me cold and cruelly alert at its wake. I wanted to run again. I would have, but Soubi held me firmly in check.

"No, Ritsuka, listen to me! I can't see anymore, but I'm fine with that. A pair of eyes in exchange for the life of the person most precious to me, more even, a leg or an arm, I would've given anything. I wasn't lying to you when I told you that I would give up anything for you, my body, my soul, my life, everything I have I would gladly give up for you!" His voice took on a tone of desperation then, as he nuzzled frantically against me. "I can't help it if my love for you is a burden. I can't help it if my pathetic need for you is suffocating. I can't live without you!"

"Soubi…" I encircled my arms around his back and pressed him against me. The thundering beating of his heart vibrating against me the proof of his agitation.

Poor Soubi, normally so strong and self-possessed, always lost his composure for me.

"My only regret is that I can't see you anymore, my beautiful Ritsuka." He whispered at length.

He extricated himself, and rose to resume his earlier position.

"Ritsuka's lips, which I've tasted so often," His fingers brushed along my lips again, then traveled to my cheeks. "Ritsuka's face, which flushed with a brilliant red every time I kissed you, and Ritsuka's eyes," Here, his fingers paused, just as a moment ago, and trailed ghosted continually over my eyelids. "which can see—all of these things, I'm afraid I'll forget."

He leaned down and kissed me, slow and passionate.

"I'm okay with not being able to see, if that means you will live, because a world without you is not worth seeing at all."


	5. Epilogue

I watched him stir into consciousness, holding my breath so that he would not know that I was already up. His eyes fluttered open, unseeing and without focus, and then I felt his hand wandering up my arm, my neck, until he stopped on my face. I hurriedly closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep.

"Ritsuka? Are you awake?" He smiled and asked softly, his fingers caressing my cheeks.

My eyes snapped open. "How did you know?"

He laughed, his voice deep and comforting, and replied, "Your breathing."

"What? But I was holding my breath…"

"Exactly, I couldn't hear your breathing, so either you are dead or you are holding it on purpose. I felt that you are still warm, so you couldn't be dead, so it must be that you are holding it." he explained patiently.

I sighed. He always analyzed everything so calmly, so quickly and with accuracy, regardless of whether one of his senses had been taken away.

"You always have your reasons…" I pouted and turned away from him, my movement rustling the sheets.

He laughed again and pulled me back. I took his hand that was on my waist and started playing with his long, pale fingers.

"So why were you pretending to be asleep?"

"No reason." I said, a mischievous smile involuntarily curving on my lips.

"Really?"

"Stop asking." I said and rolled out of his embrace.

Never in a million years would I admit that I was watching him sleep.

He caught my arm, and in one swift motion he mounted on top of me.

"Soubi!" I chastised but did not move. Even as I pondered whether to stop him, I was already so conscious of the tickling of his long, silky hair on my neck.

"Yes, Ritsuka?" he answered, his voice husky and slightly strained, yet he proceeded no further.

I looked at him, at his eyes, which were half closed but permeating with such gentleness, waiting for my permission. I averted my gaze, frustrated that I was once again conquered by his wordless and loving patience.

I reached and cradled his head, my fingers combing through his smooth, silk-like hair. Repeatedly my palm brushed against the raised scar on his left temple. He trembled a little; I know that touching it made him uncomfortable, not because he was saddened by it, but because he was afraid it would sadden me. Yet he didn't stop me, because he knew that this was a barrier I would have to overcome on my own.

"Soubi…" I breathed as I pulled him toward me and kissed his lips.

He cradled my neck, his lips caressing my neck, my chest, every inch of me, leaving a trail of tingling akin to an electric shock. I bit my lips, resentful of the ease with which my reactions were provoked, but perhaps it is only with him that I could be so unrestrained.

I let out a moan, and instantly felt Soubi harden against my thigh.

He took me passionately, his touch imbued with a certain desperation, as though only through this intimacy could he ascertain my existence beside him, but even in his anxiety, he always made sure to never hurt me.

"I love you…Ritsuka." He whispered as he came inside of me.

As I lay panting in his arms, listening to his thundering heartbeat, I felt that familiar sense of security enveloping me. We lied tangling in the sheets. Rays of sunshine fell through the white translucent curtains, pooling tranquilly on the covers.

"Is the sun up, Ritsuka?" he asked.

I touched his arm, which was warm, just like sunshine.

In all those years, there was only him to carry me through all my sorrows.

I turned and kissed him, slow and passionate, and when I released him, heaving slightly, I whispered the words that, in all these years, I never dared let past my lips, "I love you too, Soubi."


End file.
